Healthy Living in Singapore

A softer world, a softer me

A couple of days ago I went for my first reunion dinner.

Reunion dinners are funny things. They are supposed to be a time of gaiety aren’t they? A time when dear family members and not oft seen relatives gather around a bubbling hotpot and partake in communal joy.

I’m introverted by nature (which simply means I recharge my social energy by people alone and doing ‘me’ things) but I do like hanging out with people and I love hearing from people and their experiences. Family time means the world to me so every time there is an invitation I will ensure that I’m there. But oh man, such gatherings always take such an extreme toil on me. 🙁

I want to be brutally honest here- I know that it’s a chore not because of anything external but because of my own self consciousness. There is no one to blame, just my own insecurities which shouldn’t even be there. It amazes me to think how slow my mind has healed in relation to my body; how fast my mental health deteriorates in relation to my body.

Physiologically I would consider myself fully healed of my (self) abusive past. My knees no longer knock together when I sleep, my stomach no longer growls. My ribs can no longer been seen jutting out and nor does sitting for long hours hurt my tailbone. My hair is full and my face is gorgeously ruddy most days. When I physically exert myself, I feel my heart pumping strongly and I’m confident of my body’s ability to climb up flights of stairs and I can run, jump and skip to my heart’s content. I haven’t been sick in years and I know I’m really healthy.

Mentally, most days I do really well. Yet there are some days I yearn for my skinnier self. I yearn to fit into pieces of cloth sewn by societal standards. I yearn to be a certain number on the scales. I yearn to look not like me, but like somebody else. Fortunately I think I’ve reached a point where these feelings are few and far between but I wouldn’t deny that there are days where these thoughts still plague me.

And these thoughts plague me none more severely than days where I have to push myself out there and meet people I usually only meet once a year. Suddenly I forget that I’m beautiful and that I’m enough. Suddenly I see myself only through their eyes and even before they have judged me (if they even do), I’ve judged myself. I cringe at the thought that year on year I’ve only been getting bigger in their eyes.

I left that reunion dinner almost in tears once again. It’s not that the people were bad or malicious but good natured jokes are severe triggers on people vulnerable to such attacks. What may be a lighthearted jab at a person’s weight to some may be terrible stab to someone who not only spent years battling a secret eating disorder, but who just hours ago, had to muster up all sorts of mental motivation to even step foot into the house. It was exhausting even to get to the place, let’s not talk about even having any energy left over to deal with such teasing.

And after I left the dinner place, I felt my heart hardening with steely resolve. I wanted to lose the weight, I wanted to be skinny and beautiful. I will do whatever it takes. I will lose 10kg, 15, whatever. I will be a skinny minnie. I need to binge, to eat away this pain, no I can’t, I just need to be disciplined and motivated. I AM disciplined and motivated. I can do this. I just need a plan. I wouldn’t eat carbs. I will go on a juice fast… I will research it now…

With every thought that was going through my mind, my heart hardened in response and I allowed it. With every statement I felt the pain ebbing away only to be replaced with my determination to make things better. I was obsessively scrolling through Instagram and searching out #juicefast or #weightloss and all these while, my fiance’s well meaning words literally fell on deaf ears and a heart so steeled against the words of the world, it wouldn’t let the good ones through either.

Then suddenly things came to a hilt. Perhaps it was all those days of striving to treat my mind and body better. Perhaps it’s all those days of surrounding myself with positive thoughts and people but deep down I knew that this determination to make things better was self abuse. It was not self love and they were all lies. I’ve come too far, experienced too much to not recognize what true self love is now. And whatever I was intending to do was certainly not self love- only the clamour for external validation.

And the more I thought about it, the more my heart softened. And with the softening of my heart I allowed the words and memories of the people around me to flood its chambers. Memories of happy times with my family and friends, laughing over food, not worrying about calories thawed the edges before making its way to my core. Memories of my fiance cupping my face or interrupting me mid sentence to tell me that I’m beautiful warmed the icy core.

And my heart felt soft, full, warm and most importantly, alive.

I could see so clearly then the abyss I so nearly threw myself into. The lies I told myself and allowed myself to believe that so nearly caused my destruction. It had nothing to do with the people around me or the gathering or anything, it was all my disordered thinking. All my doing. All in my mind.

People often ask me how to deal with their eating disorders, how to recover, how to eat, what to do. And I’m going to tell you now that the answer is in a softer heart. 

Your days will always be a battle but don’t let the world and what (you think) it says harden you. On your good days, cherish every single moment and file it away in your mind and most importantly, your heart because when the bad days come and your mind deceives you and tells you that you are not good enough, not beautiful enough, not worthy enough, it’s these very memories that will tide you over and bring you back to the side of truth.

I am beautiful, I am worthy, I am alive, strong, enthusiastic, head over heels in love with life-

and so are you…

if you would only allow yourself to be. 

Go out there and be strong my lovelies. Everyone has a battle of their own to fight. Make sure yours isn’t against your beautiful self.

With all my love,

xx

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2015!!!!!

YAYYYYY!!!!

It’s a brand new year!!!!!!

I’m really excited about the new year but then again I’m excited about every new day and every new second and every new moment so YAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!

I’ve been MIA a little because 2015 is a year of lots of changes for me – getting married, starting a new job, moving house and permanently moving to my fiance’s church- which is crazy scary but as always, I’ll just tell myself it’s not FEAR I’m feeling, it’s EXCITEMENT!

With regards to the new job, some of you might know by now that I’ve gone into uhm… the civil service. I really don’t know how much I can divulge here. I’m sure it’s okay to say that I’m a teacher right? (I will, because I’m really happy and proud to be one so I shan’t deny it or hide it!)

And on the last day of 2014 I really STRUGGLED with regard to my social media accounts. Ideally, I would like to take my entire presence off the internet because you know, it’s a Big Bad Place and one must be Very Careful. What if someone questioned my authority in school over a grammar mistake I made in a hastily written post over here? I was really about to delete this blog and my Instagram and all at the stroke of midnight  (cue dramatic music) but I went for a talk about keeping your personal life out of your profession life and one of the main ideas was —it’s easier if your professional life is not TOO different from your personal life.

And it really struck me that my professional life is really no different from my personal life.

Whatever I say over here, on my facebook, on instagram, anything at all, is exactly what I would say to anyone in real life, face to face. I look exactly like I do in my photo on the right. Everything I post is something I really believe in and am passionate about. There’s no need to delete anything because there’s nothing to hide. So okay, I admit it’s a little bit embarrassing because over here I wear my heart on my sleeve and might come across as overly enthusiastic or with such an imperfect history when in my professional life I might have to be portray a more thoughtful, perfect demeanor. But then again, I want to be as enthusiastic about healthy living and people and being real and trying new things and loving everyone as I am right here!

So instead of making this post a tearful goodbye post, it’s going to be a really happy and enthusiastic HELLO from me!!! I can’t wait to continue sharing 2015 with you and I look forward to all your emails and comments and lunchbox as we work together to be healthier, spread the love and enjoy the little moments in life right here in sunny Singapore! 🙂

Stay beautiful everyone. You are enough.

With all my love 🙂

:D

Hello everyone!

So I know I’ve been totally MIA (what’s new right!) but this time I’ve a REALLY good reason for it!

Not only was I not in the country, was preparing for a job interviewing etc,

 I…

GOT ENGAGED!!!

*cue fireworks!*

Haha. Okay, so that’s a super lousy reason to be missing from the blogosphere but I’ve just been caught up with life outside the internet!

I am delirious with joy, of course. 😀 I am unbelievably blessed to be marrying my lover and best friend and more importantly, we love so intensely because Christ first loved us. I wouldn’t say our dating history has been 100% smooth sailing but we definitely have it much easier because both of us are very similar in the sense that we are both highly optimistic people. So when a problem crops up, we just go like “Yeeeeaaahhh. Okay, the milk has been spilled. Now who wants to put on some music and clean it up!” It also helps that we both acknowledge our total nothingness without Christ. So when problems crop up or life gets too difficult to handle, we just need to encourage each other to turn our eyes back on Jesus and the problem diminishes in the greatness of God. I’ve read so many articles circulating on FB recently on couples needing the ability to suffer together or the traits needed to stay together and I’m thankful this is one area we see eye to eye on.

Anyway! Enough of the talk! I thought I’d share with you a little about the proposal!

D brought me to Sister’s Island. At first I was horrified because I heard there were loads of sandflies there and I didn’t want to be bitten and scarred (FOR LIFE! *Drama queen level 2000) But it turned out that Sister’s island is GORGEOUS and so pristine and unsullied! I didn’t know he was going to propose of course, so I just wore an oversized T-shirt and leggings.  All our photos were taken with just the timer on the camera and a tripod! We took almost a hundred photos because the place was just really pretty. Here are a few to share! 😀

So basically we went round the island (we were the only two there!) taking silly photos like that and exploring the place. It’s not very big! We also dapao-ed pitas from Pita Pan for teabreak. There are no facilities on the island save for a toilet so bring your own food if you want to go!

This is one of the failed shots. I didn’t have time to climb up on the tree trunk before the light started flashing! Haha.

And as dusk drew nearer, D brought me to the breakwaters and popped the question! I said yes of course and we took a million shots with the setting sun. Haha

On hindsight now, I feel that D must have proposed on that ulu island because if I said no, he would just leave me in the dark on the island (no lights after 7pm) and just take the chartered boat back by himself! Hahah, just kidding. But yes, an island with bugs and creepy crawlies and monkeys (that stole our food! But more on that another time!), with pristine white sand and gently lapping waves is just a perfect place to propose to me. I would have been horrified if he did it at a hotel with all the trimmings. Also I was a bit disappointed he proposed with a diamond ring! Haha. I told him many times that I didn’t want a ring, I want a vitamix blender! But he said that can wait till we move to our new place- so okay! 😀 ( I don’t know about you but I think rings are so.. overrated. I’m killing the romance quotient this entry was supposed to have right? Haha)

So now life has been quite a whirlwind in planning guest lists and visiting hotels. I’m more excited about the marriage than the wedding but I understand that weddings are a perfect chance to work together with your soon- to- be spouse and really learn about each other. Much as I would like to skip the whole wedding thing entirely, I’m going into it remembering that it’s a celebration of love and happiness, of two families coming together and being one and things like that should always be undertaken with good cheer and joy 😀 It’s really telling of how far I’ve come when after D proposed, my first thought wasn’t ‘oh crap, I have to diet to fit into my wedding dress’ but ‘YAY!! We are going to spend the rest of our lives together!’. I can honestly and sincerely say that should the wedding take place tmr, I’m fine with walking down the aisle as I am right now and in choosing my dress, the dress would be made to fit me and not the other way around. And if you are a bride to- be as well DYING to fit into your xxxxs dress, just remember that your man proposed to you then, as you were. Don’t undermine that by abusing yourself 🙂 The best thing you can do for people who love you is to love yourself as well!

Alright that’s all for me right now! I suppose now with wedding plans in motion, the kind of lunch/ mealplans you’ll be seeing from me will all the the cheapo/ save money kind. HAHA! They will still be healthy, don’t worry! Just more uhm.. pocket friendly! 😀

If you have any advice or anything at all, PLEASE PLEASE leave a comment below because at the rate things are going, I DEFINITELY need a lot of help! 😀 And for other brides-to-be as well, I’ll be charting my journey to the wedding so please feel free to leave me advice or tell me where I’m going wrong! As for now, I haven’t done anything except emailed a couple of hotels. HAHA.

Be well and loved everyone!

With all my love,
xx

A Trip to Ladies Expo 2014

Shared this as my facebook status today.

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Today I went to the much talked about Ladies Expo and I was so, so disappointed
There was so much hype surrounding it pre- event. Everyday while driving to work, Kiss92
advertisements would run and two lovely ladies would say “there are car
shows, baby shows, why can’t there by one for us ladies…?” before
chorusing together “ladies’ expo!” and promising “a showcase of the most
posh and chic in beauty, fashion, nutrition, health, wellness, sports,
fitness, shopping and more! …spoilt for choice …cater to all the
wants and needs of being a lady! Be EMPOWERED and pampered at the Ladies
Expo and emerge a better, stronger you!”

With such promises, wouldn’t you be really excited as well?

When I got there, I was so, so, underwhelmed. Most of the stores were
aesthetics inclined- skincare, facials and a whole range of slimming/
beauty products. I’m not going into details because they aren’t
important anymore but seriously, organizers of the expo, is that the
message you really want to send out to the ladies of Singapore?

I
left the fair feeling incredibly confused and slightly insulted. So
this is what it means to be a lady? Every store I passed, there was
someone offering to “improve me”. My pores could be less clogged, my
waist could be made slimmer by a special product from Korea and good
grief, how could I not be on their highly acclaimed diet shake program.
Apparently this is empowerment?!

To the organizers, I just want
to say that I know pulling off something like this isn’t easy at all and
I recognize the hardwork and logistical nightmare it must have been but
I also want to point out that the ’empowered’ lady of today isn’t a
diet shake drinker, slimming patch wearer, facial obsessed person. She
is so, so, so much more than that. The girls I hang out with today are
loud and sporty and fun. Some of them love to read, others to craft,
many are excited over some kind of sport so may I humbly offer
suggestions for the next ladies expo you may organize:

1. This
ladies expo is honestly such a good idea and I really hope that it would
continue to get better year by year. Let it be an arena where women can
get together and try on makeup in the most outlandish fashions and have
a good laugh (or self discovery) with their girlfriends or perhaps try
out something new in more comfortable surroundings without the presence
of men but it is so important to remind women that they are more than
the superficial. We don’t need the oppression of other women as well or a
fair to tell us that we are even further from perfection than we
already think we are. There is nothing wrong with offering pampering
beauty treatments, or fashion or whatever not but don’t limit the idea
of a “lady” to that. Collab with other vendors. Books, music, crafts,
sport. There was a belly dance event but how about rock climbing, muay
thai, art, woodworking, gardening, learning languages, cooking, bicycle
parts, car shows something like that? Perhaps if we stop dividing
activities and hobbies into “male/ female- centric”, we would start
seeing all of society as “human” rather than in binary oppositions.

2. If you really want to empower women, offer booth spaces for the women from http://www.motherandchildproject.com/, or EmancipAsia
or the hundreds of other charity organizations aimed at giving work and
hope to struggling young women. Invite the busker outside Shaw House to
give a performance (she’s great btw). Shine the spotlight on the myraid
of young talented, passionate women from all over Singapore. There are
so many! Throw a stone and you’d hit 10.

3. There were health
talks aimed at women that were pretty great but we could certainly do
more. Invite women who have suffered from eating disorders, breast
cancer, ovarian cancer to share. Search through the thousands of
instagram pages in Singapore for women who have gone through so much.
Invite EUNICE OLSEN
to share about her WomentalkTV experience. Show young women still
finding their footing in this world that life isn’t about how skinny
they are or how they look but what they aspire to be. Then equip them
with the confidence that in whatever they choose to do, there will
always be a group of people out there they can look to for healthy
guidance and motivation.
At the end of the day, the main aim of a
“ladies expo” shouldn’t be to sell a bunch of beauty products but to
inspire- to make women feel that they are so much more than the
superficial, that they indeed have the power to go out there and live
their dreams (whether as a beautician or a politician or an
auto-mechanic).

I know all these are tall orders and there are
so many budget and logistical constraints to think of but I really hope
that in the future ladies’ expos to come, (my girlfriends and) I would
exit through the doors truly inspired, empowered and proud to be a lady.

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How Exercise Made Me Unhealthier | Listening to my body

When I first started this blog, I was a total newbie to healthy eating and living. I’d come out of a really sucky time in my life and was just plain frustrated with being weak and tired all the time.

A couple of years before that, I had been broke, overweight, and very unhealthy. Fast forward a few years later and I was hovering at a BMI of 18.5. My knees knocked against each other when I slept in a fetal position, my hair was falling out and the most upsetting thing was that I still didn’t look like a model. Haha. I didn’t look fat on the outside but because I wasn’t eating enough I was your typical skinny fat girl. When I walked, I wobbled.

So in the beginning of this year (wow! This blog is 1+ years old already!) I decided to get serious with my health and do
‘healthy things’ like EXERCISE! and EAT CLEAN! and whatever living healthily entailed.

For a start, I decided to ‘invest in myself’ and purchase a personal training package because I didn’t
know a single thing about weight training or going to the gym. Below is my ‘starting point’ based on a Body Composition Analysis machine (therefore, take with a pinch of salt). You can see that I was barely clinging on to the 18.5 BMI and my muscle mass was barely 20kg. I huffed and puffed up the stairs but hey, I could fit into a size s skirt -.-

I’m not sure if you remember but some time during this year I took a huge break from blogging and any form of social media because in my quest to get healthier I totally derailed and got even unhealthier. I needed the break to really reevaluate my perspective on healthy living.

To cut the long story short, here are a couple of things that happened to me and what I’ve learnt from them:


1. I got stronger

With the introduction of the Personal Training sessions, there was no question that I would get fitter and stronger. I was SO PROUD of myself. My personal trainer was honestly pretty fantastic and had a ton of knowledge on fat burning and whatnot. With my Polar FT4 heart rate monitor, we torched almost 600 calories each HIIT session. At the peak of my training I was at the gym four times a week and blazing through my routines of multiples sets of burpess, lunges, hurdles, squats, planks pushups etc. For someone who couldn’t even do one modified push up, I was ecstatic with my ‘progress’. I looked forward to the day I would be able to do a pullup or 20x real pushups.

2. I started becoming obsessed with numbers and ‘healthy’ eating.

I was working so hard at the gym that I didn’t want to ruin it. I didn’t weigh myself at all nor count calories so I didn’t see anything wrong with myself or see myself as obsessive. But in reality, I looked forward to the next session to do one more rep, run a longer distance, get fitter and I saw myself as a ‘not giving my all’ if I slipped up. My phone started to fill with pictures of my heart rate monitor tracking the number of calories I’d burnt after each session, exercise logs, meal logs etc. In order to get to the gym on time and handle my insane workload, I didn’t have time to make my usual lunchboxes so I ate yong tau foo after each training session. I was SO careful to stay away from wheat, grain or anything like that. A typical meal after a 700 calorie burning session looked like that:

Did it occur to me then that it might be too little? Probably. But the thing about mental disorders is that you just can’t see it for yourself then, so blinded are you with your own little obsessions. I even got a little worried about the fishpaste in the toufu because.. perhaps it’s only flour? Unbeknownst to me, I was slowly falling into the abyss of orthorexia. And why couldn’t I eat sugar or flour or whatever not? What was inherently bad with these food? Was it because someone, some book or something told me I shouldn’t be eating it? Or did it really adversely affect me? I didn’t bother thinking about all these or the signals that my body was sending to me. All I wanted to do was to follow the rules of ‘healthy living’ and that meant exercise to be stronger and fitter and clean eating!


3. I binged ate

This was a no brainer. With the strain I was placing on my body, and the little I was eating during the day, I was constantly scarfing down food at night. At first I didn’t really notice. In the beginning it was perhaps maybe a pack of biscuits. Then it became a sandwich. Several weeks in and I was shovelling down instant noodles, packaged frozen food and cereal at 2am in the morning because I. Just. Could. Not. Sleep. Without. Food.

Let’s pause here and talk about two things.

Firstly, exercise IS A STRAIN. You stress your body which is good because some stress keeps your heard pumping, blood circulating and bones strong. But INTENSE exercise needs to be matched with INTENSE rest and INTENSE eating.

I didn’t understand this for the longest time. I constantly thought that 1200+ calories was enough for a person because that’s what all these health and fitness books told me. Just don’t go below 1200, they warned. 1200 was the magic number. I figured that I’d be ‘wasting’ my effort if I ate more than 1200. After all, wasn’t the main point of exercise and eating healthier to lose some flab? ( No, no, no, no!)

Think of a person who has intense activity in their lives. Let’s not talk about exercise. Let’s talk about a caveman whose job is to get the woolly mammoth home for dinner. He jabs, ducks, crawls, pokes, spears, whatever till he gets the woolly mammoth and then he feasts on the woolly mammoth and rests till he has to go out and get another woolly mammoth again. Such a cycle produces bulk and muscular growth. This is why there are huge proponents of intermittent fasting, high fat & protein and high intensity exercise for men/ women to gain muscles mass.

BUT I DON’T HAVE A WOOLLY MAMMOTH TO CATCH IN MY LIFE!

I am not a personal trainer, neither is fitness my life. Neither am I a full time health blogger. I’m not. I am a regular girl with a regular job and a regular life and I blog for fun. It is not sustainable for me at all to track my protein consumption everyday, to count my macros or my calories or to worry about all these little numbers. I just want to not huff and puff the stairs and I don’t want muscle wastage in my later years in life. That’s all!

Secondly, if you have a background of binge eating/ comfort eating, long term intense exercise is the LAST thing you should do till you right that problem (or possibly never). 

For a person who comforts eats when stressed, how is it that I totally missed out on the fact that exercise/ restrictive eating = STRESS. And for a comfort eater, ANY form of stress triggers the need to turn to your comfort food (lucky you if your comfort food is broccoli, but mine is a McSpicy Burger, thanks)

Also, I would call it binging because I was mindlessly shoving food in but I would like to point out that this was food my body needed. I have a lot of people struggling with eating disorders who follow me on this blog and they are constantly worried that they are swinging from Anorexia to Binge Eating Disorder in their recovery phase. I am highly doubtful that is happening. More likely, the ‘binging’ is simply your body’s way of making up for all the years of restriction.

4. Aches, pains and weight gain

My knee started to hurt insanely but professionals in the field all assured me that as long as I continued to ‘work out’ and ‘strengthen the thigh muscles, the knee problem would go away’. I ignored all the signs of my body breaking down. From everyone I asked, the answer was always to keep at what I was doing because exercise is good! And hey, check out that 3 consecutive push ups I could now do! I thrived on my personal trainer’s praise of me and felt really really awful when I let him down. There were days I just felt SO sore after and couldn’t bring myself to go for another PT session so I’d cancel last minute. At the next session, my trainer would tell me very gently and concernedly that ‘not being consistent’ wouldn’t allow me to see ‘results’. Suddenly this health game became nothing about me but about meeting other people’s expectations. I didn’t even know what results I was working for anymore!

At monthly weigh ins when the needle moved east, I thought I was doing well because hey, that gotta be some muscles growing! I couldn’t fit into my pants anymore but with all the squats I was doing, my butt must be nicely filling out (or so I thought) Deep down though,  I knew something was wrong.  My stomach was SO BLOATED. I knew it had to be the late night binge eating and the STRESS/ cortisol (from over analysing, exercise etc) causing me to pack on belly fat.

Things came to a hilt when I was at the gym but I just couldn’t bring myself to go for another session. I caught sight of myself in the mirror and didn’t even recognise myself at all. I honestly just looked really worn and dare I say this.. bloated and fat.

In order to motivate myself, I decided to take another Body Composition Scan and here were the results:

After all that I did to myself, I had only put on 0.7g of muscle mass and 4.2kg of fat.

Was I surprised? Not really. I knew the signs. I just blatantly ignored them. 

**NOTE: I am not saying that exercise and healthy eating is bad or doesn’t work. IT DOES. But the type of exercise and eating must be suited to you and your lifestyle! Weight gain is not bad either but weight should be gained from muscles (if you need them) and fat (if you need them). In my case, it wasn’t the exercise that made me unhealthy. It was the way I was doing it, and the unsustainable, stressful way that caused me to return to unhealthy binging habits that did me in.

That day I decided that HIIT wasn’t for me and I wanted to lose the 4.2kg of fat quickly so despite knowing everything about health and nutrition and having a blog on health and nutrition, I decided to try out being vegan, vegetarian, pure protein, the dukan, whatever. I even tried being a fruitarian. BUT IT WAS ALL SO AWFUL. I knew in essence what I was doing was just punishing myself. I had fallen into the same dark pit I tried to warn so many other girls not to do.

Then I just decided to stop abusing myself.

If you follow me on instagram, you would likely have seen this picture I posted about 2.5 months back:

The first thing I did was go right back to how I used to eat. I no longer ‘packed in the protein’ or cut the carbs. Neither did I go low carb. I ate everything in balance and moderation. I ate first for my nutritional needs, then for whatever else I wanted. I learnt to really really listen to my body. If it was hungry at night, I knew I must have missed out on some nutritional component that day. I wanted something sustainable and suited to my lifestyle. I thought about how I’d like to be when I grew up and I knew that I wanted to have healthy bones,  be as free from aches and joint pain as possible with a healthy heart. That meant a couple of hours a week of light cardiovascular exercise (mall walking = shopping!), lots of stretching for a supple spine and joints and light toning like body weight exercises. I can see myself doing walks, light stretches and toning exercises now at the age of 26 and I can see myself doing it as well at 89. I can see myself eating bread, rice, meat, fruit and other yummy things now and at 99 too without having to obsess over it and spend time away from truly living life. That, to me, is true consistency and sustainability.

I haven’t been back at the gym for 2 months now but my body has recently been calling for some activity. So I went for a long brisk walk and it was good and my body enjoyed it. Now I know how exercise should really make you feel. It should be invigorating, mood lifting. After a quick brisk walk enjoying the morning breeze and scenery, I returned home refreshed and ready to work. Pre enlightenment, I would return home thoroughly exhausted and go through the day like a zombie ( I would feel really good after a workout but quickly become fatigued and sleepy) using whatever willpower I had to prevent myself from inhaling the nearest box of chocolate.

I now understand that even with NO exercise at all, the body needs to be fueled with proper substantial, healthy meals. And with any form of stress like exercise, the body needs MORE nourishment, MORE rest. The moment I allowed myself to rest, the better I felt about myself and the unhealthy habits stopped. Your diet and fitness routine should at never, at any point, make you feel upset or a failure. Honestly, if you ask me now if you should go to the gym after a long day of work for a quick HIIT workout or go for an hour long massage + eat a light dinner after, I would totally recommend the massage. Haha.

Sometimes I feel a little stupid thinking back about the kind of money I’ve spent and how it led me further away from health but I realise now that it hasn’t. Without that experience, I wouldn’t have understood and known of all these and most importantly, I wouldn’t have learnt how to listen to my body and give it what it really needs- plenty of rest, nutrition and lots of love.

These days all I aim for is to have slept well, ate well and had some sort of activity i.e. some form of stretching to recuperate my super stiff and abused body. I’ve learnt that all activity is a kind of exercise and following a meal or exercise plan to the T is just outsourcing my own health and ignoring the opportunity to understand my body better.

So today I really want to encourage you to listen to what your body is trying to tell you. Does your neck ache after work? Do you get frequent migraines? Are you constantly hungry at night? Can you not sleep? Does your hair fall out? Do you huff and puff up the stairs? Do you see stars when you stand up abruptly? Do you have acne, bumps on the back of your arms, feel cold easily, poor digestion, bloatedness, constipation, feel lethargic all the time? Do you ignore them, suppress them with drugs, food or alcohol? Do you use exercise to compensate for ‘naughty’ days? Are you so strict (or lax) on yourself that you do whatever without heed to the signals your body is trying to tell you? Have you ever ignored the signals your body tried to give you? How would you treat your body like your best friend?

Have a good day everyone and remember! Listen to your body! Give it what it needs!

#95 holler because it’s the holidays! | A beauty day out

Ahhhh… term break.

Music to a teacher’s ears. Finally that one morning you don’t have to wake up once your alarm goes off. When I was relief teaching, I used to set my radio as an alarm and it was hilarious because once it sounded, it would play Majulah Singapura which in any case, was rousing and inspiring for like, the first day and that was it. Is it disrespectful to say that after awhile the sound of the national anthem made me squirm and protest a little inwardly about how ‘it’s too early. bejeezus- this is inhumane!’.

I don’t teach in a goverment school now but term time is no less frantic so when the holidays roll around it’s time for some R&R! Every end of term I treat myself to a day off. That is FOUR days off a year T.T to eat good food, get a hair cut maybe and definitely, definitely get a massage. This time, the plan was to indulge in something healthy and great tasting, get a massage, go to the dentist, get my hair trimmed and.. get a facial.

I know this sounds weird to you guys but my experiences with facials (I can count them on one hand) have never been amazing. I usually go because a girlfriend of mine wanted to go. It’s like taking rollercoasters- said friend always promises that it’ll be great! It’ll be awesome! You’ll feel so good after! It’ll be fun! C’mon! and I always agree because.. maybe, this time? Only to walk out of the place feeling meh. At best I feel meh. On my last trip to a facial salon however, I walked out feeling absolutely traumatised. The person doing the facial had found a small, tiny pimple on my face and instead of cooing over it’s adorable baby-ness, she proceeded to attack it with such viciousness there should have been baby pimple laws written to protect them. ALSO, the thing I dread most- the EXTRACTION process. I HATE IT HATE IT HATE but everyone says it’s a necessary evil and the road to smooth skin is full of bumpy little white and blackheads that need to be aggressively removed. Suffice to say, I left my very last facial a couple of years ago absolutely traumatised and with a pimple scar that lasted almost 2 years.

Anyway, I decided to schedule a facial this time because (1) my face is insanely clogged. There aren’t any pimples or anything and it looks clear if you see me from far away but late nights and poor hygiene (eep!) have left much room for improvement. I don’t know how to explain it but if I look into the mirror under strong sunlight, the surface of my skin is bumpy 🙁 and (2) I had a voucher for a discounted first trial at a new facial salon called Le Queenz that just opened at Tanjong Pagar Plaza. Haha, yes I’m very cheapo.

I wasn’t intending to blog about it because quite honestly, I was just hoping for some blackhead removal and crossing my fingers the beautician wouldn’t scar my face and please please please be gentle with the extraction BUT GUYS, this was such the bombdiggity that for the first time in my life, I actually signed a package with them.

Since I wasn’t intending to blog about it, I don’t have any pictures so I took the following off their facebook. I love it when beauty salons are new! Everything is so gorgeous and pretty and I love the colour palette of the place. Some beauty centres make my head spin- everything is so pink! 

Doesn’t it just look so inviting and pretty?

The process is quite standard I guess. When I arrived I filled out a form (area of concern: dry skin, BLACKHEADS, BLACKHEADS!! CLOGGED PORES!)  and was then ushered into the room above to have my skin ‘analysed’. It was quite embarrassing to have to tell the beautician that I don’t do anything with my face except to wash (sometimes without a dedicated facial wash) and I uh, also don’t put sunscreen. But! She did say my skin was in very good condition despite my horrendous neglect (yay!) and said I must have a very good diet with a lot of fruit, veg and water. YES! I DO *bows* hahaha.” Pity eating well doesn’t clean my skin :/

The beautician was a fountain of knowledge though. She smoothly answered all my question, talked me through how to take care of my face while she cleansed, exfoliated and whatever else beauticians do (I was falling asleep).

Then she said the magic words!

” I don’t believe in extraction because it actually harms the skin and introduces bacteria into the pores. So what we do here is that we use a special machine that ‘scraps’ off the black/ white heads and unclogs the pores”

AND THE MACHINE IS AMAZING I TELL YOU. It’s quick and painless and afterwards, she actually shows you all the stuff that comes out (ew).

But seriously, NO EXTRACTIONS! I didn’t care what she did after that man. This place is my new favourite!

Okay, I’m going to show you guys something- I was half asleep so when she was zapping away with the machine and she actually missed a small spot- I suppose it’s easy to miss coz it’s the spot under my lower lip and you actually have to stick your tongue there to be able reach the skin in that area. If I was awake I could have told her but hurhur, it was too comfortable and I was in zzzland. Anyway, good thing she missed coz I could take a photo of what my skin was like before the facial.

Prepare for something really gross though..

Hahaha. It looks like a whale’s jaw but that’s okay coz everybody looks like that when they do that 🙂 But do you see all those little bumps! That’s what I had around the sides of my nose, on my nose and my face in general!

And after the extraction my skin was smooth like a baby’s bottom! No redness too! You can see that the skin surrounding it is totally free from all the bumps. AMAZING. I need to remember to stick out my tongue in that place next time haha.

After everything was over she brought me to a chair to get my eyebrows done (she says she can’t do it when I’m lying down because it wouldn’t be as accurate as when I’m sitting up) and this was the only part that I didn’t really like because I was so zenned out by the facial that to have to sit through the eyebrow plucking was sheer torture T.T I rather ć…ˆè‹ŠćŽç”œ you know?! Plus for the eyebrows, she shaved a little of it for me which I also disliked because shaving makes it grow back much faster but the good thing is that whatever it is, you can just tell the beautician. She customizes everything to what you say and what your skin is like so when I vocalised my concerns, she was quick to switch to plucking it entirely. Also I heard that she’s had almost 10 years of experience and used to work at this really well known eyebrow embroidery place. It’s amazing she has 10 years of experience though. She looks so young! But when she speaks, you know she is definitely worth her mettle.

The salon is new so package prices are going at great promotional prices. I bought a package of 12 sessions for only $1000+ I can’t remember the exact price. A session is usually $168. I’m trying to  slowly move away from chemical laden skincare too. Le Queenz uses Babor which is a German skincare brand that is preservative free and uses ‘natural plant derived substances in their most concentrated form’. I’m going to start with preservative free skincare followed by partially (?) chemical free then hopefully organic. Still very new to all these! (Is there such a thing as a organic facial spa in Singapore?)

Alright, I just wanted to share my experience here because I’ve finally found an extraction free facial place in Singapore that actually works. I’ve been to facial places that offer no extraction as well but my face has never been this clean. So if you are looking for a place as well, definitely give this place a try. Since it’s new, first trial is only $68!

Hahaha. Can’t believe I wrote so much about about a facial salon. Anyway! The next place I went to for a quick hair trim was Organic Hair Professional. It’s located in the same plaza as Le Queenz and I am in love with the place. Seriously, if you want to pamper yourself, don’t spend 3 hours stuck in some hair salon filled with chemical smells! I used to not notice how strong the chemical smells were in hair salons till I went to Organic Hair Professionals. Now I can never go back! Seriously, even if you don’t go for a hair cut, at least walk in to smell the salon. It smells so lovely!

I ended the day with a tuina massage at XinHua TCM clinic located at 100AM. I love deep strong massages and honestly think shiatsu massages are a waste of money haha. Just as I was paying to leave, I noticed they offered a ‘tummy detox slimming massage’. Curious, I asked what they did. It’s about $80! The woman replied that they basically massage your tummy for a while then they WRAP you up for the remaining time. $80?! To be wrapped in shrink wrap for an hour?! I think the only way it helps you detox is by preventing you from eating anything for that hour.

With my $80 safely tucked in the depths of my bank account, I hot footed out of that place and headed back home with a considerably cleaner face, neater hair and a less tense body.

T’was a good day.

xx

p.s I feel compelled to say that I wasn’t in any way compensated monetarily or made to write the review for any of these places. I just like to share good things. 🙂

// EDIT

WOW GUYS! Lequeenz has generously offered to give all my readers their first trial at only $48! Quote vegsmoothiebunny when you make your appointment with them: 6244 0228. Offer valid till 31 December 2014. Males welcomed though they don’t have the shoulder massage segment but I guess that’s okay because you still get a really clean face? Haha.And as usual, for FIRST time customers only! Enjoy! 😀

#94 Time was passing like a hand waving from a train I wanted to be on

I’m back after a quick social media detox 😀

I find that it’s just so easy to get sucked into the whole whirlwind of virtual reality that you lose on out on real living so I took some time out to just get away from social media for a bit, recharge, think about what I want to do with this space and life in general.

I’ve really enjoyed having this space to connect with all of you. I enjoy the interaction, the exchanging of tips and tricks and of course, all of your emails that you have so generously written with the sincerest of hearts. I recently made a decision to go into full time teaching next year (made the decision only! Don’t know whether I’ll get in! Haha) but it occurred to me, of course, that I wouldn’t be able to upkeep this blog very much when and if that happens. (All you teachers out there struggling with CRAAAZZYY workloads and still breathing life into all your lessons each day- I SALUTE YOU!)

Truth be told, I now feel like a woman on her deathbed. *cue dramatic music* I want to do so much more with this space before the possibility of having to leave it comes true. I want to write more, share more, reply more of your emails and questions and most importantly, remind you everyday that you are more than your body or the food that you eat. Way, way more. I want to promote connection and love and trust and fill up my little space here on the world wide web with so much positivity and love and optimism that it would come out like fairy dust through your screen and brighten your day a little, no matter how you feel about yourself at that moment 😀

Sometimes when I read your emails, I feel such closeness to all of you; like we are a bunch of friends who’d known each other forever and we are just sitting around with our hair bunned up, wearing PJs, sipping tea and exchanging stories about everything and anything from body image issues to best facial places and uh.. where to buy cheap pots and pans. (hurhur- I’ve realised there is a secret aunty buried within all of us. We should UNLEASH HER!) I’m battling against time, working very hard to achieve all of that and I
can’t wait to share good news with you guys about my next giveaway (AREN’T YOU EXCITED! I love giving stuff away haha) or a
discovery in my journey towards organic skincare (current knowledge
level = 0.003%) or simply to just return home each day, sit in front of my computer and start off my post with a mundane ‘Today I … (went to the toilet?)’.

I don’t even know why I’m writing all these haha. I wanted to write about my day and share with you guys about my new discovery about vertical gardening (YES! I finally found out how to plant vegetables in a HDB flat!) but my words flew right off tangent into a jumble of goodness-knows-what. I guess I just want to say that no matter how the future pans out I’m so, so grateful for this small little chance to have known all of you. (And also I will try and blog more often haha)

So from now till the next post, no matter where you are remember that someone out there (here) truly doesn’t care whether you are size -200, 0, 4,28 or 2000. All I care is that you know yourself to be worthy of everything you envision yourself to be and I think of you often, especially in times when you think no one in the world could possibly be thinking about little ol’ you.

xx

HEARTFELT THANK YOU :)

There are so many things I want to write about but the most important
thing I want to say today is simply THANK YOU to everybody who has ever
stumbled upon this blog and takent the time to read the posts, to
comment here, my facebook page or on my instagram.

When
I wrote my first post, I had no idea where it would go. I only wanted
to share a couple of recipes and hope to spread the idea that health
wasn’t in bland food or restriction or excess or anything but in balance.
That health is not singular entity but a myraid of factors intricately
intertwined with one another and most importantly that health itself is
only a tool that we may live better lives and as better people, more
concerned for the state of the world and the fellow living creatures in
it.

A year on and a handful of posts later, I’ve been
blown away and totally overwhelmed by the generous outpouring of love
and sincerity I’ve been blessed with online. I am naturally an
optimistic and hopeful person and sometimes, even when I watch a movie
and a horror scene comes on and someone is about to be murdered or
kidnapped I instinctively pray for the person (C’mon brain, you NEED to
know it’s JUST a movie!) and through life people have always, always
told me that the world is a dangerous place for someone like me. I’m too
naive, too kindhearted, too innocent and I will definitely be taken
advantaged of.

And it breaks my heart when we teach
young kids to toughen up and shed their desire to be true to themselves
and instead conform to the world both in terms of how they think about
themselves and how they should act towards the people around them. Yes,
it’s important to teach children about stranger danger but it’s not
right to impose your inherent suspicion of everyone on your child. There
is a great big difference on being aware of danger and being cynical
and wary all the time. One helps you be safe, the other destroys you-
makes you see the world as hopeless and accumulates hate and bitterness
in your heart.

And of course, I’ve had my fair share of bad experiences in life but I’ve also realised that in the darkest of days is really when humanity has really shone through because when else would light shine the brightest if not in the darkest of times? Through this space I’ve met so many of you as well, who take time to write to me, to thank me, to encourage me and it humbles me greatly.

Within all your letters, comments, emails that tell me about your own personal struggles or your questions is always the same self deprecation and apologies for taking up my time and it makes me want to go to you if I could and give you the biggest of hugs because you are so beautiful and wonderful and yet you are afraid of taking up someone’s time. Why? Why do you think yourself any less worthy of my (or anybody’s) time than say the president of Singapore or anyone else for that matter?

So today I want to let you know how YOU and your small comments or words of encouragement have helped me and I want to let YOU know that whatever small thing you do, however small you feel, it will ALWAYS lead to greater things.

Because of You and your generosity in leaving an encouraging note, I’ve been encouraged EVERY single day to live better, eat better, do better. You think you aren’t doing anything, You think you are taking up my time, asking silly questions but you fuel me to live even better so I can model for you a healthier, better life.

In your graciousness and kindness to encourage me in times when I am buffeted by the winds of society and unsure of myself, I find myself able to do that for others as well in their time of need. Because I’ve felt your strength through all your stories and all your struggles and even your desperate hope to get better and willingness to try again, it helps me want to try again when I fall too.

Because you take the time to write, I take the time to write to everyone around me as well. For the first time in my life after starting my blog, I realized the power of human connection and just being grateful to the people that have been always in our lives all these while and whom we constantly take for granted. I started to smile more, thank everyone, even the person washing the corridors every end of month, my pastor in the church, my parents, everybody. Your actions teach me to be a better person and I hope I do them justice by reflecting that to everyone around me as well. Every single one of your comments helps me want to wake up again tmr and write more or reach out more to the people around me and let them know that they aren’t defined by numbers or arbitrary standards set upon them by society. That right now, right then and right at the moment they are worthy enough to start making all their dreams come true.

Your one small action has led to greater things and that’s what I want to continue- to be a small stepping stone to greater things, a small link in the daisy chain of beauty that we can build right here in Singapore and then in the world.

So tmr when you wake up, I want you to know that that every small, good action you do will bring beauty to someone else’s life. When you choose to eat a healthy breakfast with no fear or restriction, you bring ease to your worried loved ones, who will in turn spread goodwill and charm to their friends and family. When you choose to clear your tray at the food court after lunch or say thank you to the auntie who clears it for you, it will make all the difference to some little boy some where out there who is worrying that his grandmother’s fingers may hurt or she would come home in a really foul mood. When you decline the second slice of chocolate cake at a birthday party without fear of offending your host, you are giving someone the strength to one day say no as well and not feel ostracized for making a healthier choice in a social gathering. When you choose not to go into an in depth discussion on how some model looks fat, or how your thighs touch, you are helping some girl somewhere, some sister of a friend, some daughter, some son, (and in turn, their children!) grow up without hatred of their bodies. When you choose not to instagram your chocolate lava cake with #fatdieme you are helping other people not fear food, not to see food as the enemy and perhaps even give them the strength to fight against their inner demons.

Do you see that you brought the greatest difference in the world when you are just you? Not when you are furiously planning your next meal plan or plotting ways and schemes to look like Miranda Kerr or anyone else. You empowered others, inspired others, made an impact by being who you are now and doing what you can do now. You don’t have to look a certain way to do it, you don’t have to be a certain size or at a certain number to do it. You already have.

Your actions may be small but they can do great things. You may think you are small but you can do great things as well. And these small things will snowball and accumulate and explode in a confetti of kindness and graciousness in society that will crowd out the negativity we currently have. We can’t do much about the negativity. We can’t do much with what’s already in society, with their standards and their cynicism and hate and bitterness but we can crowd it out, increase the percentage of good, invest in the positive so that someone out there lives each day with just a tiny bit of hope that tmr will be a better day.

And that’s all there is to life isn’t it? It isn’t just about healthy eating, sleeping well, choosing good food, having enough sleep. All these are just rungs on the ladder to attaining a healthy enough perspective on life such that we’d be able to pull up our fellow friends and family who are struggling and in need.

You have so much power in you to be great- not in terms of societal definition of money making and power welding but in your ability to make a difference to some one else’s life. 

Ask me how I know? Because I’ve experienced it from you and I know you can and I know you will. You just need to believe that you are worthy enough to embrace the power that is in you.

Be someone’s stepping stone today. Be the link in this daisy chain of kindness and empowerment and any time you feel life is too hard or meaningless, remember that somewhere out there, there is a girl who was so inspired by you she felt brave enough to be real. <3

So thank you, dear reader. You don’t know how much good you’ve done in this world just by existing and being uniquely you. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.

Till next time,
xx
 
P.s. I’ll do an update soon on how I’ve been now that I’m back and living a sustainable balanced life since my last blog entry 🙂 But it’s been going well. 🙂

P.s (2) I’ve also changed my profile picture on this blog to a more recent one that is un-photoshopped and taken in my bedroom, on my bed and drinking tea because I want you to know the real me and I want you to be brave enough too to not feel that only a photoshopped picture of you with carefully selected filters is worthy of the internet. (I know it looks totally different from my old one. I’m sorry if I’ve deceived you HAHAHA) I hope when you read what I write next time, you would think of us just sitting around in our jammies, stripped of make up, drinking tea and just chatting about whatever is on our hearts. 🙂 xx

My Story/ New Beginnings

Today I want to share with you what’s on my heart and a little of my journey to health.

For ease of understanding, I’ve made a really crude bar chart. There will be no fancy pictures tonight, no hyperboles, extravagant recipes. Just a very honest, heavy heart and words from a very flawed person.

From ages 0-16 I lived as normal a life as could be. I always thought I was average in everything. Average in height, average in weight, average, average, average. It didn’t matter much to me though. I liked being average. It meant like baby bear’s porridge, I was neither too hot nor too cold and I was just right. Besides, I had more important things to do in life like playing shadows with my brothers, protecting my oreos from them and collecting fanciful stationery pads from the school bookshop that I hid at the bottom of my drawer in hopes that my mother would never find out (didn’t work). Save for a couple of comments at Chinese New Year or other family gatherings where the proverbial aunt with her ample bossom would always pinch my cheek and exclaim “AIYO! What happened to you! Why you put on so much weight!” I never really gave much thought to my size or any physical part of me. I had hands and I had legs and every part of me worked perfectly fine except for my traitorous lungs that always gave out on me on my dreaded NAPFA tests. But wheezing and panting and swearing that I was going to die helped me to eek out a pass anyway so even though I knew I wasn’t very fit, I felt that I was okay because, well, I passed right? And I wouldn’t ever have to run for another year so meh, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. I was doing well in school and had even gotten attached to my primary school sweetheart (haha, how young and foolish we all were last time) and life was going pretty well.

Life changed drastically when I was 17 though. I left the protective arms of my secondary school and was thrust into a whole new environment in JC. Perhaps it was the ‘communist’ nature of my secondary school but for the first time in my life, I realised what it meant to be in a ‘dog eat dog world’. Don’t get me wrong, none of the people I met in JC were bad just that we were so different and it didn’t helped that we were all vying to succeed in a pressure cooker environment. I remember being totally gobsmacked when in the first week of school I’d printed notes for everyone in class-because well, if you are printing 1 copy, you might as well print 25 right?- and a senior stopped me and said “huh. why did you do that. xiao. you are just wasting your time. Nobody will ever do that for you also. ” I didn’t know if that was more painful or the fact that in the 2 years of my time in JC, that would turn out to be true.

For the first time ever as well, everyone suddenly seemed almost perfect to the point of being painful. (Although of course, on hindsight now I knew everybody also felt almost the same and it was my insecurity talking to me and nothing was really true). They were all so effortlessly good looking, so smart, so athletic, so cool I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere. How did they even know to tailor their skirts like that? Where did they get such short socks from and oh lord, their hair- so gorgeous it made my flowing locks look like a haystack. It probably also didn’t help that my skirt was knee length and my hair neatly pulled back from my chubby face like what my secondary school DM would approve of. It was easy to strike up a conversation but terribly difficult to sustain it because I didn’t have any common topics to discuss with anyone. Till that first day in school, I’d never even stepped foot into Holland Village- how was I to answer if I had ‘heard of the new ice cream place that just opened’? I was ranked as one of the top 20 speakers in the nationwide debating championships in secondary school but for my entire time in JC I ironically had no ability to speak. There was just nothing to say. Everyone else was smarter, more exposed to the world, prettier, better, more outgoing. Everyday in JC was just the suckiest time ever and while everyone seemed to be having the time of their lives I often hid in the toilet to cry after failing yet another exam paper (seriously, I don’t think I passed a single one), hating myself and believing that I was an absolute failure.

Then the bingeing came.

I wouldn’t go into details but one particular incident stands out the most. Stress levels were at an all time high and it had been yet another sucky day at school. The moment the dismissal bell rang, I stuffed (yet another failed) exam paper into my bag and dashed out of the school gates almost trembling with need like a drug addict. I went to the nearby macdonalds and bought a large McSpicy meal, with 20 nuggets and alacarte mcwings, to KFC for another set meal, to the hawker centre of meepok (don’t ask) and to 7-11 for bags of chips then I took a cab home, praying no one would be in and inhaled everything. For that few moments when I was stuffing and stuffing and my stomach expanding to the point of hurting, the hurt, the pain the anguish, all diminished with each mouthful I shovelled into my system. It was only when everything was gone, when the last morsel had made it’s way into my tummy that I finally recovered my senses and the sense of guilt would start creeping in.

From that moment life became a rollercoaster of comfort eating and guilt. Every time something happened and I had no words for it I would eat my feelings. Bad grades?  3 fast food set meals would cure it. No friends? Hey, nuggets would never let you down. I ate my way through the next few years of my life ballooning to 15kg over my ‘happy weight’.

All these happened while everything was crumbling around me- my grades in university, my love life, my relationships with the people around me yet I think on the outside I was still quite happy, bubbly and functional? Inside though, I felt like I was drowning and desperately trying to keep my head afloat in water. I swung from binging, to restricting and back again and was in general just always filled with despair.

At 22, everything came to a hilt. To cut the long story short, my boyfriend of 8 years found some other girl more attractive than I was and left (in the most heartrendingly horrible way ever). My professor threatened to fail me if I skipped anymore classes and I was slapped with a $30,000+ debt (Inclusive of my undergrad fees but I was also young and frivolous and stupid about money).

I wish I could say more (and maybe someday I would) but if you look at the bar, 23-24 was really a period of discovery for me. For the first time in 8 years I decided to stop being a door mat and LOVE MYSELF. I stopped defining myself by societal standards, stopped depending on others to validate my self worth, stop spending money frivolously, restricting/ bingeing/purging whatever.

I was desperate to learn about health and not some bikini body diet so I scoured the internet and the library for cancer prevention books, food nutrition books and the like. I figured that if I really wanted to be healthy FOR LIFE and love myself, not just to look good then I would need to learn from people whose diets truly meant the difference between life and death. 23-24 was truly, truly a learning experience for me. I got out of all my crappy relationships, built new, true real ones, rediscovered God (seriously, He is my everything now), lost 15kg, learnt to live healthy on a shoestring budget, drank green smoothies everyday, counted nutrients in my food instead of calories, threw my weighing scale away, completed my Honours year, wrote my thesis on societal standards and the female body (Ii am hellbent on this topic haha), made so many mistakes and learnt from them and really learnt the true meaning of living a happy healthy life.

Age 25 I coloured in green because this was the year I can frankly say I was the healthiest and happiest. This was the age I could truly look you in the eye and tell you that I feel beautiful not because I was perfect but because I’d achieved balance in life. The day I knew I truly loved myself was when I was looking over at my boyfriend (yes, I got attached again after agonising for months to make sure I wasn’t rebounding and questioning if I could really ‘trust’ again) and thinking to myself ‘wow, I love myself so much now that even if I had to get married tmr I wouldn’t even have to despair over losing weight because being married is about LOVE and HAPPINESS not how I look or what I weigh!’

That year, I gained a few kg and learnt that I had a range of weight that I considered my ‘happy size/ place’ where I felt confident and happy about myself. It meant no restriction yet no excessive binges either. Even if I ate out of line a few days in a row, my weight would stabilise and it would cause me no worry. I learnt that TRUE HEALTH is in THE MIND and characterised by the fact that I didn’t have to think about food (too much or the lack thereof) all the time. I indulged in a wide variety of Real Food and everything was so yummy and so satisfying! For the first time in my life as well, my constipation was cured and I was going EVERYDAY and I finally could understand when people say it is possible to go in just under 5 min! (TMI, but big deal to me. I used to spend HOURS in the toilet). I was literally glowing and I just felt so healthy, so happy, so empowered. I chose to eschew the typical 9-5 career path and it really helped opened me to new experiences in life, to learn to empathize with people, to be less judgmental and to just be more loving and gracious because the world is beautiful and there is so much to celebrate about it. I learnt the we truly are the culmination of all our experiences and I cherish each moment of crying in the school toilet, each ounce of self hate and self doubt and even (or especially) my failed broken relationship that consumed so much of my youth because every of those moments fueled my journey into becoming the person I truly am happy being. I felt so good about food and life that I started this blog because I wanted to let others the amazing healing properties of food as well as all the beauty the world had to offer.

Unfortunately, that time has some how slipped away and I have to admit that I’ve tumbled off the bandwagon. The stress of life has gotten to me again and while life is certainly not as bad as before, I’ve had recurring episodes of bingeing and comfort eating. At first they started out inncuosuly enough. Just a slightly larger meal than usual, than more and more till I was mindlessly shoveiling porportions of yesteryears. If you noticed, I haven’t even bothered making lunchboxes the whole of the past month because I was just so busy and unbalanced. I possibly ate more junk this few months than the past 3 months put together. I grew heavier and heavier but I guess I love myself so much now that I am all LOLLOLOLOLOLOLOL what is a little weight gain etc :/ I’ve read so much about different diets that I experimented with paleo, dukan, veganism, vegetarianism, even fruitarianism etc and all of that has taken a toll on my poor body ( I hope I haven’t damaged it beyond repair).  All these little bits and pieces culminated into a massive meltdown and I have to be honest with myself now that I’ve once again reached the pit and I need to rebalance my life. I am almost 8kg away from my happy place (too much for my frame) and I’m almost slipping into the diet mentality game once again and thinking about my body in terms of numbers. (NO. I NEVER EVER WANT TO GO BACK THERE AGAIN). I want to go back to the green zone once again when I didn’t worry whether dairy was leeching calcium out from my bones or if rice was still inherently processed (since in came in a package -.-. FYI- Being obsessive about health is also an eating disorder called orthorexia) Following and experimenting with ‘healthy’ diets has really taken such a toll on my body and mental state that I am also desperate to go back to just normal, varied eating.

Also, I hope that for those of you struggling to follow a diet or wondering which diet is best for you (Vegan-ism is so healthy and compassionate! The dairy industry is LYING to us. Meat has hormones and bacteria! Fish has metals! Bread is processed! Carbs make you fat!) and you just end up undereating and avoiding food options because ‘it’s not part of your diet plan’ (only to end up BINGEING from hunger and hating yourself after) then may I please welcome you back to balanced eating. 😀

So bear with me my dear readers, as I make the tedious climb back to my
happy place and a more balanced life. I took a long time to decide
whether or not to share this information with you all because I felt
like such a hypocrite- but for what it’s worth, I really want to stress
that a journey to health is not in the least bit simple or linear. It
has to be worked for (some harder than others. sigh) and there will be
times when we slip or even come full circle (sigh x2) but more important
is the hope that there will always be a better tomorrow 🙂

For the time being though, I will unlikely be updating my facebook page that much but will be updating more frequently over on this space/ instagram just like how I did when I first started out. It’s back to the basics for me once again, and I’ve always wanted this space to be a small, intimate place where we can talk without fear of judgement or persecution. I will also be updating this space on my journey back to more balanced living and my Real Food meal plans and ideas geared towards weight loss (portion controlled vs. abundant unrestricted eating until I recalibrate my tastebuds and reset my hunger signals) which I think might be helpful for some of you as well. I don’t recommend calorie counting but my meal plans for weight loss are not ‘detoxes’ or starvation diets. Instead, they incporporate a wide range of food designed to bring balance back to the body and are perfect for long term sustainable eating. There will be no veganism, vegetarianism, cutting out carbs, cutting out foodgroups or whatnot here, I’m afraid. I find it makes me too finnicky and unbalanced and it has (evidently!) caused me to undereat and binge and harm my body even more. I’m going back to the basics- wholegrain carbs, small amounts of dairy, lean meats and an abundance of fruits and vegetables. Since I’m a quest to love myself right once again, that includes lots of massages and happy, positive moments as well 😀 I wouldn’t be weighing myself to chart my progress but I will know when I reach my happy place because I’ve been there before and wow, I look forward to once again leaping out of bed refreshed and happy with myself and raring to take on life!

I understand that there are many here as well who are recovering from anorexia and are looking to gain weight. I’m not sure if what I’m doing is triggering but I really hope that it isn’t and if you do feel like it’s triggering I really want to encourage you to view both you and I as on the journey to reaching our happy place where we can live our most balanced, confident lives where food is just food and a tool to fuel our body and mind. I doubt a weight where you constantly worry about your health or food is a happy weight so if you need to gain, please continue and keep at it! If you need to lose, tone up or reach your happy weight, I hope this helps you as well.

I have no greater wish than to see all of you be happy, healthy and confident at your most happy place where you fear no food and you live balanced, inspiring, lives.

Let’s be like baby bear’s porridge- not too hot, not too cold, just right.

See you at our happy weight my beautifuls 🙂

With all my love and determination,
xxx

Hi everyone!!

Just wanted to write a really quick note to say that I’ve been extremely busy this week (and next!) due to all the kids have exams (it’s mid years!!) but I’ve received all your mails/ comments/ FAQs and I will get back to them by next week, promise! 🙂

Sorry for the long wait and thank you all so much for taking the time to write me the loveliest things or to point out where I can improve and what I can take note of! I’m excited to get back to talking more about yummy, healthy food! Haha!

Till then, stay happy and healthy everyone!

With much love <3.

http://www.fithealthybunny.com/2014/05/blog-pos/